Happy Day

The sun is shining, it's warming up and just maybe summer is really on the way.  The school quarter is winding down with finals just around the corner and my certificate almost complete.  There's a new-to-me car in my parking space and the scale is 5lbs lighter than it was last time I weighed in.  Life is good.  Yes, there are things not so good going on, but today I'm choosing to focus on the happy things in life.  Lately that seems to be the way of my life.  When I look back to where I was two years ago - not really liking the people I worked with (the job was good) and the home situation I was in with my roommate - and a year ago when I was unemployed and totally depressed - I think about how far I've come and I'm just so happy and thankful to be through all of that and to have survived.  It's really hard not to focus on the happy things when just about anything is better.  :D

Tired of Bullies

Doctors are supposed to be people you can go to and trust. They're not supposed to be people who you fear or are cautious of or sandbag or emotionally abuse you. I don't know if it's me or if it's the professionals out there in the healthcare field now because of the restristions or the actual field itself now, but I'm really having a hard time with this and finding someone within my insurance that I can work with. My PCP sent me to a specialist to manage my depression meds. After 4 visits over 3 months, this woman threw up her hands yesterday saying, "your case is too complicated for me, I'm only an NP (what an excuse!) I'm referring you over to the MD." Okay, while I admit that the issues I'm bringing to the table (depression, sleep deprivation from the meds and meds sensitivity to name a few) aren't a piece of cake, somehow I didn't expect this woman to throw up her hands after 4 visits and pass me off to someone else because I'm having a challenge, challenging her and expecting her to help me deal with it (isn't that her job as my meds manager?!?!?!) And to add insult to injury, I walked out of that appointment, when she was through with me, feeling as though the whole thing were my fault due to my inadequacies. While I know this isn't true, and I struggled not to accept her shortfalls onto my shoulders, it still stung when I walked out the door. Now that I reflect back, I'm glad she's referred me over to the MD. Obviously she's not the one to help me with this challenge. She just isn't up to it, nor does she appear to want to rise to it, either. Just as well she's passing me off. I'd rather be working with someone who WANTS to try to help me. Maybe this next one will be the one. I hope so. Fingers crossed...

More Surprises

It's lunchtime and the snooze-bug hits. I can't keep my eyes open. My work associate has gone to run errands so I can't visit with her to keep me awake. So, I decide to move into uncharted territory. OMG. Yes, I'm going to go take a walk. All by myself. All on my own. All of my own accord. Around the building. Once. Twice. Wow! Did that feel good! Why did I wait so long to do that for myself?! Why? Why? Why? Is it tomorrow so I can do it again!? I really like this new me that's emerging. :D

Goals

It's been a long time since I reached a goal, much less blew through two in a week! Yes, two. In a week. Granted the two I blew through were close, very close. Because of the type of goals, I didn't expect to blow through them in a week. My first goal, and a major one in my mind that only a few years ago I thought I'd never see (and probably wouldn't have without the lap-band surgery) was seeing the under-side of the 300-lb mark. I broke that barrier toward the end of last week. The second goal that followed shortly behind it was the 100-lb total loss mark which actually put me at the 295-lb mark (another milestone I wasn't sure I'd ever see without the lap-band) and here I am, blowing through both in a matter of days. All attributed to Kelli's "better living through chemistry." Pretty funny that I can't wait for my weekly weigh-in now where as before the scale was packed away under the sink because I couldn't stand to look at it and think about what it might tell me...that I hadn't lost anything or even worse that I'd gained. I'm very happy with my progress (must be the meds - hehehehe) and would like to see that little graph to the right continue keep going downward consistently. :D

Eveready Bunny on Stearoids

I think the doctor and I may have finally gotten to the right general place with meds. I finally feel human again. No more of the extreme roller coaster from the anxious to the happy to the sad of having to be talked off the ledge every month that included no motivation to want to do ANYTHING. Not even the fun things. Just getting up and going to a job that I LOVE took everything I had. And when I got home at night and there was nothing left, how could I look at all those little pairs of eyes that I love and not be sad because I couldn't give them everything I wanted to because I didn't have anything left? You give to them because you love them, but when it comes to yourself, there's no motivation, there's just nothing...zip. Those days are a thing of the past and, hopefully, that's where they'll stay. I actually WANT to do homework, and paint, and sew and knit and spin. And I don't feel the need to just sleep all the time now. I just cannot believe the difference in my life. As my friend Kelli would say, "better living through chemistry." I'm all for it. :D

It seems I've gotten more done in the last two weeks than I have in the last 6 months. Amazing! I'm just about done with my huge project of swapping bedrooms in my apartment. I've finished with the huge stuff (moving furniture, putting up shelves and swapping closets) and am down to just the haul-out and touching up portion of the program. I'm physically tired but very happy with the results. I'm looking forward to when I'm completely done and can get into my sewing room and really start to use it again. I have projects lining up in my head. I just need time and my sewing room to get them done. It feels so good to be excited about life again! Hello, happiness! I've so missed you!