Where Are You?

Where are you? Are you there? Can you hear me calling for you? Don't you know I'm missing you? Does it really matter? Why did you leave me here all alone?

Is There Anybody Out There?

It's just another lousy Monday night (Tuesday morning)...after another another lousy day that I woke up after another lousy night the night before. One of the neighbors a block over left their dog out while they were gone and the dog barked endlessly well after I got up about 1:30am and went to go sleep in my cozy chair in my sewing room. Fortunately the windows in the sewing room face a different direction and I was able to get some sleep. Sort of. When I woke up about 6:30am it was with a nice kink in my neck that didn't seem to go away even after I curled up in my nice comfy bed for a couple more hours of shut-eye. To the point I woke up from a sad dream about my Mom that had me crying and missing her that put me in a funk for most of the day, along with the beginnings of a migraine. And here I am, wanting to sleep but unable to get my body to cooperate by shutting my mind off or at least slowing it down to give me a chance to doze off. It's times like these, at 2:20am that I feel the most alone and emotional and it's about the only part that I really hate about living alone. Most people don't want me to call them and wake them up just because I want to talk because I feel lonely. So, I ask, is there anybody out there? I know there is somewhere...

Something has to give soon. I know I need to be patient and keep at it and not panic. I keep telling myself these things, over and over. Yet, when I go to bed at night, my mind is a hamster on a wheel that I just can't get to stop or get off. The 'what if' game is a favorite of mine right now because there are so many variables and so many varied outcomes, and my mind sees none of the good ones. My Mom always told me I was a pessimist. I'd reply that "No, I am a realist and anything better than the worst outcome is a pleasant surprise." I'm beginning to wonder if she was really the one that was right. It's times like these that I really miss her because she always made me feel better, no matter what. I knew I always had someone who would listen. She might not have all the answers, but she was always there and would always listen. Mom, I miss you. I wish you were here to tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself and get off my ass and get busy and do what I need to do to get whatever I need to do done. On that note, I think I should head off to bed and love the kitties I know love me and be thankful for what I have.

Thankfulness

As many of you know, I never seem to do anything in the straight-forward, normal, true-to-fashion manner. I seem to be off marching to my own drummer, making my own pattern, writing my own story. So I guess this should apply to my thankfulness this Thanksgiving as well. As I sit here at the end of this long holiday weekend reviewing the state of my life, I'm saddened, scared, frustrated, and confused as to how I got to where I am. Saddened that I've lost my family to the tides of time. Scared that I am alone in the vast world with no family left to fall back on. Frustrated because it feels like I've made such a mess of my life. And confused because I really can't tell you where everything that happened started. Sometimes it's difficult to remember that it will get better and that I have to have patience. And there will be a lot of changes in the meantime. And there have been a lot of changes already. I have a place to live, yes, but I've lost my house and I'm unemployed. But in the midst of my life feeling like it's falling apart, it feels so hard to find something to be thankful for. I could use lines like, "I have my health." Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for my health. But through it all there have been friends who have reached out a hand, sent a text, an email, an instant message, or phoned me to see how I am and keep in touch. To let me know I'm not alone, that they're there for me, that they care. To all of you (you know who you are), I'm thankful for you!

Changes

It's been far too long since I've visited you. Please forgive me my neglect. All I can say in my defense is that life has gotten in the way...again. As I sit here trying to figure out what to say and how to say it, I realize that one of the most important things in my life just came and curled up on my arm as I'm sitting here typing, putting his head on my shoulder and looking up at me with his beautiful blue eyes as if to say, "Don't worry, Mom. Everything will be just fine." Oh, that life were just that simple and easy. I wish. After a series of events over the last year or so that included a massive reduction in pay and another RIF at HP (this one I got caught in), I find myself going down a slightly different path than the one I originally charted. Such are the plans of mere mortals. But, plans are made to be changed and when the ones I made started crumbling in front of me I realized that it wasn't necessarily bad, just different than what I had chosen and could still lead to where I wanted to go. So, it's not with a heavy heart but with a heavy moving truck that I'll be moving out of my house into an townhouse for awhile to regroup. The bank and I are negotiating settlement (with an attorney, of course) and I'm leaving behind some bad memories and some other things that are just best left behind. The biggest challenge at this point is what to do with all the yarn and fiber! hahahaha Anyway, for those who would like it, please feel free to contact me and I'll be happy to give you the new address and phone number. The cell phone won't change. Email addresses will, but I sent an email out...let me know if you didn't get it.

Yes, It's Been Forever

Yes, it's been forever. I haven't forgotten you, I've just been busy doing other things. Namely work...and work....and more work. There's been some spinning and some knitting, but there's been a lot of work. And in the very near future there will be tales of the Great Pacific NorthWest Adventure 2010 that Denise and I took a week or two ago to go and see my god-daughter's graduation and celebrate my birthday. There will be pictures and tales forthcoming (as soon as I can catch up with myself and get things sorted out and uploaded). All in all we had a wonderful time! :)

And Then There Were Six

In Memorium...

Miss Mocha

January 15, 1996

November 24, 2009

Gone but not forgotten

The Next Big Goal

Well, friends, I'm nearing my next big goal of 75 pounds lost...and I don't want to find them again. I'm only 10 pounds away. Who'da thunk I'd've gotten this far? I surely never would have a couple of years ago. And here I am, ready to move to the next level. This is like a really cool game I've never been able to play before because I didn't have the right equipment or mindset and all of that's changed. Game on!