Happy Day

The sun is shining, it's warming up and just maybe summer is really on the way.  The school quarter is winding down with finals just around the corner and my certificate almost complete.  There's a new-to-me car in my parking space and the scale is 5lbs lighter than it was last time I weighed in.  Life is good.  Yes, there are things not so good going on, but today I'm choosing to focus on the happy things in life.  Lately that seems to be the way of my life.  When I look back to where I was two years ago - not really liking the people I worked with (the job was good) and the home situation I was in with my roommate - and a year ago when I was unemployed and totally depressed - I think about how far I've come and I'm just so happy and thankful to be through all of that and to have survived.  It's really hard not to focus on the happy things when just about anything is better.  :D

Tired of Bullies

Doctors are supposed to be people you can go to and trust. They're not supposed to be people who you fear or are cautious of or sandbag or emotionally abuse you. I don't know if it's me or if it's the professionals out there in the healthcare field now because of the restristions or the actual field itself now, but I'm really having a hard time with this and finding someone within my insurance that I can work with. My PCP sent me to a specialist to manage my depression meds. After 4 visits over 3 months, this woman threw up her hands yesterday saying, "your case is too complicated for me, I'm only an NP (what an excuse!) I'm referring you over to the MD." Okay, while I admit that the issues I'm bringing to the table (depression, sleep deprivation from the meds and meds sensitivity to name a few) aren't a piece of cake, somehow I didn't expect this woman to throw up her hands after 4 visits and pass me off to someone else because I'm having a challenge, challenging her and expecting her to help me deal with it (isn't that her job as my meds manager?!?!?!) And to add insult to injury, I walked out of that appointment, when she was through with me, feeling as though the whole thing were my fault due to my inadequacies. While I know this isn't true, and I struggled not to accept her shortfalls onto my shoulders, it still stung when I walked out the door. Now that I reflect back, I'm glad she's referred me over to the MD. Obviously she's not the one to help me with this challenge. She just isn't up to it, nor does she appear to want to rise to it, either. Just as well she's passing me off. I'd rather be working with someone who WANTS to try to help me. Maybe this next one will be the one. I hope so. Fingers crossed...

More Surprises

It's lunchtime and the snooze-bug hits. I can't keep my eyes open. My work associate has gone to run errands so I can't visit with her to keep me awake. So, I decide to move into uncharted territory. OMG. Yes, I'm going to go take a walk. All by myself. All on my own. All of my own accord. Around the building. Once. Twice. Wow! Did that feel good! Why did I wait so long to do that for myself?! Why? Why? Why? Is it tomorrow so I can do it again!? I really like this new me that's emerging. :D

Goals

It's been a long time since I reached a goal, much less blew through two in a week! Yes, two. In a week. Granted the two I blew through were close, very close. Because of the type of goals, I didn't expect to blow through them in a week. My first goal, and a major one in my mind that only a few years ago I thought I'd never see (and probably wouldn't have without the lap-band surgery) was seeing the under-side of the 300-lb mark. I broke that barrier toward the end of last week. The second goal that followed shortly behind it was the 100-lb total loss mark which actually put me at the 295-lb mark (another milestone I wasn't sure I'd ever see without the lap-band) and here I am, blowing through both in a matter of days. All attributed to Kelli's "better living through chemistry." Pretty funny that I can't wait for my weekly weigh-in now where as before the scale was packed away under the sink because I couldn't stand to look at it and think about what it might tell me...that I hadn't lost anything or even worse that I'd gained. I'm very happy with my progress (must be the meds - hehehehe) and would like to see that little graph to the right continue keep going downward consistently. :D

Eveready Bunny on Stearoids

I think the doctor and I may have finally gotten to the right general place with meds. I finally feel human again. No more of the extreme roller coaster from the anxious to the happy to the sad of having to be talked off the ledge every month that included no motivation to want to do ANYTHING. Not even the fun things. Just getting up and going to a job that I LOVE took everything I had. And when I got home at night and there was nothing left, how could I look at all those little pairs of eyes that I love and not be sad because I couldn't give them everything I wanted to because I didn't have anything left? You give to them because you love them, but when it comes to yourself, there's no motivation, there's just nothing...zip. Those days are a thing of the past and, hopefully, that's where they'll stay. I actually WANT to do homework, and paint, and sew and knit and spin. And I don't feel the need to just sleep all the time now. I just cannot believe the difference in my life. As my friend Kelli would say, "better living through chemistry." I'm all for it. :D

It seems I've gotten more done in the last two weeks than I have in the last 6 months. Amazing! I'm just about done with my huge project of swapping bedrooms in my apartment. I've finished with the huge stuff (moving furniture, putting up shelves and swapping closets) and am down to just the haul-out and touching up portion of the program. I'm physically tired but very happy with the results. I'm looking forward to when I'm completely done and can get into my sewing room and really start to use it again. I have projects lining up in my head. I just need time and my sewing room to get them done. It feels so good to be excited about life again! Hello, happiness! I've so missed you!

Like a Little Kid

I feel like a little kid. I still have a few more hoops to jump through, but I'm so excited: I'm going back to school! I've been approved for training for an Accounting Certification program through NOVA. I hear this doesn't always happen and I hear it's even more rare if you are currently employed, which at present I am. (Thank you , God or whomever is running this show!) This just seems to be one more step in the right direction after so many of the doors that have been slamming shut for what seems like forever. And I'm just so excited about this! I loved school when I was going before, even with the long days, but I got burned out and then other things like life got in the way. Now, it seems, this is the direction I'm supposed to be going as all of the other life-hurdles seem to have more or less been moved out of my way. I think I got the hint. *wink-wink* I know I can be a little challenged sometimes, but come on. I usually catch on.

While it's been a very slow process meeting the requirements to get to this point, perserverance and my stubborness have won the day. That and the fact this is something I really want and need to do. Now I need to meet with the counselor over at DeAnza (on Monday) and get my marching orders from her. I got my marching orders from my counselor over at NOVA yesterday. I have two weeks to get everything accomplished in time to get registered for the fall quarter. No, grass doesn't grow under MY feet. ;)

So, like a little kid, I'm rifling through my supplies to see what I'm going to need for school, trying to pull from supplies without having to buy much. But there is fun in shopping online to see what some of the new things are that are out there. I do think I'm going to have to invest in a good wheeled backpack for books and my laptop. I just really don't want to be carrying either around. Especially since school is after work and I'm going to have long days that I'm going to be toting everything around. And don't forget that there will have to be room for a knitting project and snacks and drinks as well. A girl needs a break from time to time. Ya know?

On another front, there is forward movement on my Etsy shop, Chessa's Knitche. The shop actually exists now, if in name only. It also has it's own email: chessasknitche@gmail.com. I'm working on getting some product done to open at the end of September in time for the holidays. I'm hoping to be able to announce more in Augst. At this point I don't even have the website designed, although I do have lots of thoughts about it spinning around in my head. I just need to slow down long enough to get them going on the computer. I also welcome ideas from people. I'm going to have mostly textile-type products and holiday items to start off. Dish towels, quilts, placemats, etc. It should be a lot of fun. I'm looking forward to getting more done and will let you know as it progresses. Please feel free to leave me feedback about it.

Hope your days are happy and pleasant and full of fluff and stuff. :D

I Scare Myself

Do you ever have those little "aha!" moments? Seems to me I've had quite a few in the last few days. And it seems that the hits just keep coming. In a good way. Which has really knocked me off my game this week. In a good way. I guess after so much crap for so very long I'm not so sure what to do with all these little nuggets of good that keep happening to me. I guess I'll just go with it and thank my lucky stars that they're happening and not question them coming my way. It started when I had to ask my property manager if we could "adjust" the rent while I was unemployed. She said she didn't have a problem but would need to talk to her boss. She ended up having to talk to the owners, something she said she was soooo uncomfortable doing, but she did anyway because she wanted to help me and she said she'd try. And wow, they modified my rent for 6 months. Granted, I still owed it, but it was less stressful and gee, I had someone in my corner. Then I got a job I really like, working with people I really like. Imagine that. Sure, it's contract, but it's an income. And it's been a long time since I've WANTED to get up in the morning and go to work!

Then my boy Traver got sick with his urinary blockage. Had to wait overnight to take him to the vet because there was no way I could afford to take him to the emergency vet. That would have been $1k just to get in the door with him and just have him looked at. So, I waited to see my vet until the next day, and called my boss to let him know what was going on. Bossman says, "No worries. Take care of the cat, get in when you can." (Love my boss). So, Traver and I go see the vet. We find out about his blockage and that it might be fatal for him...I guess I knew this in the back of my head, but I was playing the hand I was dealt. At that point we were up to $1500 at the vet. Because I was a long-standing repeat customer (and they're awesome people) I was able to negotiate payments for all of this for my boy. Whew! So, he stayed at the FixMe Hotel and I went to work. All my work friends were supportive about my boy. Did I mention I like my work friends as well? They're awesome, too! Anyway, on with the story. Through all of this has been my awesome friend Denise. She's been there, picking me up and putting me back together. Sometimes big pieces, sometimes itty bitty ones. She's laughed with me, she's cried with me. But, she's been there for me every time. :D

So, today I call my property manager to talk with her about the lease renewal coming up. We're discussing payments and such. She tells me she's willing to let my lease go to month-to-month for a couple of months to help me get back on my feet financially before I sign the new lease (the rent goes up) and start paying back the back rent from when we had adjusted the rent when I was unemployed. Her idea, not mine. Do I have the most awesome landlord, or what?

So, the "I Scare Myself" part of this was that it all-of-a-sudden hit me today that I'd finally gotten through all of the crap with the house and the bills and all of the garbage...the phone wasn't ringing, the mail wasn't crammed full of notices about "You owe this. We're coming to get you"...this was the biggest AHA! moment of them all. It really was wrapping up! And once I file the bankruptcy (if I can figure out how to pay for it) and have my 2010 taxes done (and figure out how to pay for that and Uncle Sam for those, too) I'll have all of the garbage accounted for and I really can move on and let it all go. WHEW! I never thought I'd be able to say that! I know never is a long, long time. But I was really beginning to wonder. Maybe that light at the end of the tunnel ISN'T an oncoming train. ;)

Where Are You?

Where are you? Are you there? Can you hear me calling for you? Don't you know I'm missing you? Does it really matter? Why did you leave me here all alone?

Is There Anybody Out There?

It's just another lousy Monday night (Tuesday morning)...after another another lousy day that I woke up after another lousy night the night before. One of the neighbors a block over left their dog out while they were gone and the dog barked endlessly well after I got up about 1:30am and went to go sleep in my cozy chair in my sewing room. Fortunately the windows in the sewing room face a different direction and I was able to get some sleep. Sort of. When I woke up about 6:30am it was with a nice kink in my neck that didn't seem to go away even after I curled up in my nice comfy bed for a couple more hours of shut-eye. To the point I woke up from a sad dream about my Mom that had me crying and missing her that put me in a funk for most of the day, along with the beginnings of a migraine. And here I am, wanting to sleep but unable to get my body to cooperate by shutting my mind off or at least slowing it down to give me a chance to doze off. It's times like these, at 2:20am that I feel the most alone and emotional and it's about the only part that I really hate about living alone. Most people don't want me to call them and wake them up just because I want to talk because I feel lonely. So, I ask, is there anybody out there? I know there is somewhere...

Something has to give soon. I know I need to be patient and keep at it and not panic. I keep telling myself these things, over and over. Yet, when I go to bed at night, my mind is a hamster on a wheel that I just can't get to stop or get off. The 'what if' game is a favorite of mine right now because there are so many variables and so many varied outcomes, and my mind sees none of the good ones. My Mom always told me I was a pessimist. I'd reply that "No, I am a realist and anything better than the worst outcome is a pleasant surprise." I'm beginning to wonder if she was really the one that was right. It's times like these that I really miss her because she always made me feel better, no matter what. I knew I always had someone who would listen. She might not have all the answers, but she was always there and would always listen. Mom, I miss you. I wish you were here to tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself and get off my ass and get busy and do what I need to do to get whatever I need to do done. On that note, I think I should head off to bed and love the kitties I know love me and be thankful for what I have.

Thankfulness

As many of you know, I never seem to do anything in the straight-forward, normal, true-to-fashion manner. I seem to be off marching to my own drummer, making my own pattern, writing my own story. So I guess this should apply to my thankfulness this Thanksgiving as well. As I sit here at the end of this long holiday weekend reviewing the state of my life, I'm saddened, scared, frustrated, and confused as to how I got to where I am. Saddened that I've lost my family to the tides of time. Scared that I am alone in the vast world with no family left to fall back on. Frustrated because it feels like I've made such a mess of my life. And confused because I really can't tell you where everything that happened started. Sometimes it's difficult to remember that it will get better and that I have to have patience. And there will be a lot of changes in the meantime. And there have been a lot of changes already. I have a place to live, yes, but I've lost my house and I'm unemployed. But in the midst of my life feeling like it's falling apart, it feels so hard to find something to be thankful for. I could use lines like, "I have my health." Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for my health. But through it all there have been friends who have reached out a hand, sent a text, an email, an instant message, or phoned me to see how I am and keep in touch. To let me know I'm not alone, that they're there for me, that they care. To all of you (you know who you are), I'm thankful for you!

Changes

It's been far too long since I've visited you. Please forgive me my neglect. All I can say in my defense is that life has gotten in the way...again. As I sit here trying to figure out what to say and how to say it, I realize that one of the most important things in my life just came and curled up on my arm as I'm sitting here typing, putting his head on my shoulder and looking up at me with his beautiful blue eyes as if to say, "Don't worry, Mom. Everything will be just fine." Oh, that life were just that simple and easy. I wish. After a series of events over the last year or so that included a massive reduction in pay and another RIF at HP (this one I got caught in), I find myself going down a slightly different path than the one I originally charted. Such are the plans of mere mortals. But, plans are made to be changed and when the ones I made started crumbling in front of me I realized that it wasn't necessarily bad, just different than what I had chosen and could still lead to where I wanted to go. So, it's not with a heavy heart but with a heavy moving truck that I'll be moving out of my house into an townhouse for awhile to regroup. The bank and I are negotiating settlement (with an attorney, of course) and I'm leaving behind some bad memories and some other things that are just best left behind. The biggest challenge at this point is what to do with all the yarn and fiber! hahahaha Anyway, for those who would like it, please feel free to contact me and I'll be happy to give you the new address and phone number. The cell phone won't change. Email addresses will, but I sent an email out...let me know if you didn't get it.

Yes, It's Been Forever

Yes, it's been forever. I haven't forgotten you, I've just been busy doing other things. Namely work...and work....and more work. There's been some spinning and some knitting, but there's been a lot of work. And in the very near future there will be tales of the Great Pacific NorthWest Adventure 2010 that Denise and I took a week or two ago to go and see my god-daughter's graduation and celebrate my birthday. There will be pictures and tales forthcoming (as soon as I can catch up with myself and get things sorted out and uploaded). All in all we had a wonderful time! :)

And Then There Were Six

In Memorium...

Miss Mocha

January 15, 1996

November 24, 2009

Gone but not forgotten

The Next Big Goal

Well, friends, I'm nearing my next big goal of 75 pounds lost...and I don't want to find them again. I'm only 10 pounds away. Who'da thunk I'd've gotten this far? I surely never would have a couple of years ago. And here I am, ready to move to the next level. This is like a really cool game I've never been able to play before because I didn't have the right equipment or mindset and all of that's changed. Game on!

The Light at the End of the Tunnel....

....Has been turned off due to the economy...and pay cuts, cost of living and on and on and on. However, I do believe I've been able to turn mine back on and it's growing a little bit brighter by the day. Through the advice of some very knowledgeable friends I have been able to take advantge of some of the "debt restructuring" opportunities in out in the world. By doing so, I'm managing to bring my life back into a reasonable balance after the massive pay cuts we received at the beginning of the month. I'm told by the time the project I'm working on at work winds down at the end of the year, the mortgage loan modification should be complete and in place so the massive amounts of overtime won't be necessary any more - good thing as it's probably going away anyway. Not only will I be able to afford the mortgage on my now-reduced salary, I'll have time to enjoy the things I've been stashing for that rainy day...nice. Time and a little bit of money - what a concept. So, there does really seem to be a light...hoping it isn't the train, but really is daylight heading my way...and that 2010 will be a better year.

Moving On

The last couple of months have been very challenging. Losing a beloved friend, health issues, challenges with employment being just a few. However, the more that happens, the more I keep finding out how resilient I am. Doesn't mean I'm not complaining about it to everyone who'll listen, not at all. ;) It just means that I've been able to survive it all a lot better than I have in the past, or that I thought possible in my own mind - Thanks, Lorraine! I'd attribute that to a wonderful host of friends and a fabulous support system. Thanks, all! Anyway, my point is, that through all of this going on, I've still been able to continue on that one big adventure: weight loss. And while the loss hasn't been big on the scale, it's been big in my mind. So, here's to letting go, moving on and moving up!

One Last Chessa Post

When we played with all the other cats Chessa wasn't interested until we brought over a wand with a long ribbon on it. I tried a few times to get her to play, but she didn't want to. One day when we were in the family room I tried again and Chessa was so funny! She was like a little kitten. She chased the ribbon and slid across the slippery wood floor. Candy and Sue said that was the first time Chessa had ever played like that. It made me feel good that I got her to play. She was so funny to watch!

Memories by Megan

I think what I would like to share most is something that happened at noon on the 27th (of July), the day she passed away. I had dozed off on the loveseat and I had a dream. I don't know where I was but I was sitting on a bench in a wide open area people-watching. I looked up and Chessa was coming toward me. She jumped up on the bench beside me and I started petting her as I always did. She purred so loud as she always did. She only stayed for a few minutes, then climbed up on my lap, licked my face and gave me a look I'd never seen from her before. Then she jumped down off the bench and walked away. I woke up instantly and went to check my email...Sue had emailed just 7 minutes before letting us know Chessa was gone. I like to think Chessa came to tell me good-bye before she went to her better place.

Memories by Gena

Sick of RUDE PEOPLE

What in the world ever happened to common courtesy? It surely isn't common any more. When someone said "thank you" the reply used to be "you're welcome." Now there IS no reply or even any kind or acknowledgement for the most part. Do people just not listen? Or don't they care enough to be bothered to respond? How did it get to this point? When did we all stop caring? Are we really all that self-centered and shallow?

Watch Out! Here I Come!

Through the sadness and heartbreak, the anger and frustration, the trampled and abused feelings, wonderful things still manage to find their way into our lives. Since Chessa passed and I received news of my pay-cut, life has seemed to spiral quickly down that never-ending drain, constantly gathering speed but only continually spinning, spinning, spinning, never going down. Knowing full well I'd done everthing I shouldn't have been doing during that time, I decided I needed to get myself on the scale to get myself back to reality and move forward. Maybe that would help to slow the spinning if it wouldn't stop it. Eventually, maybe I could get myself back on track, one step at a time. So, Saturday morning, I braved the scale. At that point, I told myself I would be very happy to have not gained, figuring I would have gained some from the reality check of the last few weeks. One foot....second foot. Can that be right? Step off the scale...make sure it is calibrated at zero...the cats have surely done something to it, yes? Step back on, one foot...second foot...bend down to read it. Well. HOLY CRAP! I've lost another 5 pounds! Not only haven't I gained anything, I've met my next milestone! And while I wouldn't recommend this to anyone, I'm very happy to be there and really ready to move on to the next! WOO HOO! 50 POUND MILESTONE! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME! 75 is the next one on my list....watch out, here I come!

More Miss Roo

What I love about Chessa is the way she was always the purrfect hostess, the first one to greet me at the door enticing me to lift her and give her lots of loves as she purred in my ear. She was the complete love bug, never failing to hop in my lap to give lots (and demand MORE!) love than anyone else. It was her job, and she took it seriously. Being Queen is not an easy task, but she was always up for it, giving more and more and more love. She is missed dearly, and remembered purreciously. Yes, I will remember her always.

Memories by Suz