Happy Day

The sun is shining, it's warming up and just maybe summer is really on the way.  The school quarter is winding down with finals just around the corner and my certificate almost complete.  There's a new-to-me car in my parking space and the scale is 5lbs lighter than it was last time I weighed in.  Life is good.  Yes, there are things not so good going on, but today I'm choosing to focus on the happy things in life.  Lately that seems to be the way of my life.  When I look back to where I was two years ago - not really liking the people I worked with (the job was good) and the home situation I was in with my roommate - and a year ago when I was unemployed and totally depressed - I think about how far I've come and I'm just so happy and thankful to be through all of that and to have survived.  It's really hard not to focus on the happy things when just about anything is better.  :D

Tired of Bullies

Doctors are supposed to be people you can go to and trust. They're not supposed to be people who you fear or are cautious of or sandbag or emotionally abuse you. I don't know if it's me or if it's the professionals out there in the healthcare field now because of the restristions or the actual field itself now, but I'm really having a hard time with this and finding someone within my insurance that I can work with. My PCP sent me to a specialist to manage my depression meds. After 4 visits over 3 months, this woman threw up her hands yesterday saying, "your case is too complicated for me, I'm only an NP (what an excuse!) I'm referring you over to the MD." Okay, while I admit that the issues I'm bringing to the table (depression, sleep deprivation from the meds and meds sensitivity to name a few) aren't a piece of cake, somehow I didn't expect this woman to throw up her hands after 4 visits and pass me off to someone else because I'm having a challenge, challenging her and expecting her to help me deal with it (isn't that her job as my meds manager?!?!?!) And to add insult to injury, I walked out of that appointment, when she was through with me, feeling as though the whole thing were my fault due to my inadequacies. While I know this isn't true, and I struggled not to accept her shortfalls onto my shoulders, it still stung when I walked out the door. Now that I reflect back, I'm glad she's referred me over to the MD. Obviously she's not the one to help me with this challenge. She just isn't up to it, nor does she appear to want to rise to it, either. Just as well she's passing me off. I'd rather be working with someone who WANTS to try to help me. Maybe this next one will be the one. I hope so. Fingers crossed...

More Surprises

It's lunchtime and the snooze-bug hits. I can't keep my eyes open. My work associate has gone to run errands so I can't visit with her to keep me awake. So, I decide to move into uncharted territory. OMG. Yes, I'm going to go take a walk. All by myself. All on my own. All of my own accord. Around the building. Once. Twice. Wow! Did that feel good! Why did I wait so long to do that for myself?! Why? Why? Why? Is it tomorrow so I can do it again!? I really like this new me that's emerging. :D

Goals

It's been a long time since I reached a goal, much less blew through two in a week! Yes, two. In a week. Granted the two I blew through were close, very close. Because of the type of goals, I didn't expect to blow through them in a week. My first goal, and a major one in my mind that only a few years ago I thought I'd never see (and probably wouldn't have without the lap-band surgery) was seeing the under-side of the 300-lb mark. I broke that barrier toward the end of last week. The second goal that followed shortly behind it was the 100-lb total loss mark which actually put me at the 295-lb mark (another milestone I wasn't sure I'd ever see without the lap-band) and here I am, blowing through both in a matter of days. All attributed to Kelli's "better living through chemistry." Pretty funny that I can't wait for my weekly weigh-in now where as before the scale was packed away under the sink because I couldn't stand to look at it and think about what it might tell me...that I hadn't lost anything or even worse that I'd gained. I'm very happy with my progress (must be the meds - hehehehe) and would like to see that little graph to the right continue keep going downward consistently. :D

Eveready Bunny on Stearoids

I think the doctor and I may have finally gotten to the right general place with meds. I finally feel human again. No more of the extreme roller coaster from the anxious to the happy to the sad of having to be talked off the ledge every month that included no motivation to want to do ANYTHING. Not even the fun things. Just getting up and going to a job that I LOVE took everything I had. And when I got home at night and there was nothing left, how could I look at all those little pairs of eyes that I love and not be sad because I couldn't give them everything I wanted to because I didn't have anything left? You give to them because you love them, but when it comes to yourself, there's no motivation, there's just nothing...zip. Those days are a thing of the past and, hopefully, that's where they'll stay. I actually WANT to do homework, and paint, and sew and knit and spin. And I don't feel the need to just sleep all the time now. I just cannot believe the difference in my life. As my friend Kelli would say, "better living through chemistry." I'm all for it. :D

It seems I've gotten more done in the last two weeks than I have in the last 6 months. Amazing! I'm just about done with my huge project of swapping bedrooms in my apartment. I've finished with the huge stuff (moving furniture, putting up shelves and swapping closets) and am down to just the haul-out and touching up portion of the program. I'm physically tired but very happy with the results. I'm looking forward to when I'm completely done and can get into my sewing room and really start to use it again. I have projects lining up in my head. I just need time and my sewing room to get them done. It feels so good to be excited about life again! Hello, happiness! I've so missed you!

Like a Little Kid

I feel like a little kid. I still have a few more hoops to jump through, but I'm so excited: I'm going back to school! I've been approved for training for an Accounting Certification program through NOVA. I hear this doesn't always happen and I hear it's even more rare if you are currently employed, which at present I am. (Thank you , God or whomever is running this show!) This just seems to be one more step in the right direction after so many of the doors that have been slamming shut for what seems like forever. And I'm just so excited about this! I loved school when I was going before, even with the long days, but I got burned out and then other things like life got in the way. Now, it seems, this is the direction I'm supposed to be going as all of the other life-hurdles seem to have more or less been moved out of my way. I think I got the hint. *wink-wink* I know I can be a little challenged sometimes, but come on. I usually catch on.

While it's been a very slow process meeting the requirements to get to this point, perserverance and my stubborness have won the day. That and the fact this is something I really want and need to do. Now I need to meet with the counselor over at DeAnza (on Monday) and get my marching orders from her. I got my marching orders from my counselor over at NOVA yesterday. I have two weeks to get everything accomplished in time to get registered for the fall quarter. No, grass doesn't grow under MY feet. ;)

So, like a little kid, I'm rifling through my supplies to see what I'm going to need for school, trying to pull from supplies without having to buy much. But there is fun in shopping online to see what some of the new things are that are out there. I do think I'm going to have to invest in a good wheeled backpack for books and my laptop. I just really don't want to be carrying either around. Especially since school is after work and I'm going to have long days that I'm going to be toting everything around. And don't forget that there will have to be room for a knitting project and snacks and drinks as well. A girl needs a break from time to time. Ya know?

On another front, there is forward movement on my Etsy shop, Chessa's Knitche. The shop actually exists now, if in name only. It also has it's own email: chessasknitche@gmail.com. I'm working on getting some product done to open at the end of September in time for the holidays. I'm hoping to be able to announce more in Augst. At this point I don't even have the website designed, although I do have lots of thoughts about it spinning around in my head. I just need to slow down long enough to get them going on the computer. I also welcome ideas from people. I'm going to have mostly textile-type products and holiday items to start off. Dish towels, quilts, placemats, etc. It should be a lot of fun. I'm looking forward to getting more done and will let you know as it progresses. Please feel free to leave me feedback about it.

Hope your days are happy and pleasant and full of fluff and stuff. :D

I Scare Myself

Do you ever have those little "aha!" moments? Seems to me I've had quite a few in the last few days. And it seems that the hits just keep coming. In a good way. Which has really knocked me off my game this week. In a good way. I guess after so much crap for so very long I'm not so sure what to do with all these little nuggets of good that keep happening to me. I guess I'll just go with it and thank my lucky stars that they're happening and not question them coming my way. It started when I had to ask my property manager if we could "adjust" the rent while I was unemployed. She said she didn't have a problem but would need to talk to her boss. She ended up having to talk to the owners, something she said she was soooo uncomfortable doing, but she did anyway because she wanted to help me and she said she'd try. And wow, they modified my rent for 6 months. Granted, I still owed it, but it was less stressful and gee, I had someone in my corner. Then I got a job I really like, working with people I really like. Imagine that. Sure, it's contract, but it's an income. And it's been a long time since I've WANTED to get up in the morning and go to work!

Then my boy Traver got sick with his urinary blockage. Had to wait overnight to take him to the vet because there was no way I could afford to take him to the emergency vet. That would have been $1k just to get in the door with him and just have him looked at. So, I waited to see my vet until the next day, and called my boss to let him know what was going on. Bossman says, "No worries. Take care of the cat, get in when you can." (Love my boss). So, Traver and I go see the vet. We find out about his blockage and that it might be fatal for him...I guess I knew this in the back of my head, but I was playing the hand I was dealt. At that point we were up to $1500 at the vet. Because I was a long-standing repeat customer (and they're awesome people) I was able to negotiate payments for all of this for my boy. Whew! So, he stayed at the FixMe Hotel and I went to work. All my work friends were supportive about my boy. Did I mention I like my work friends as well? They're awesome, too! Anyway, on with the story. Through all of this has been my awesome friend Denise. She's been there, picking me up and putting me back together. Sometimes big pieces, sometimes itty bitty ones. She's laughed with me, she's cried with me. But, she's been there for me every time. :D

So, today I call my property manager to talk with her about the lease renewal coming up. We're discussing payments and such. She tells me she's willing to let my lease go to month-to-month for a couple of months to help me get back on my feet financially before I sign the new lease (the rent goes up) and start paying back the back rent from when we had adjusted the rent when I was unemployed. Her idea, not mine. Do I have the most awesome landlord, or what?

So, the "I Scare Myself" part of this was that it all-of-a-sudden hit me today that I'd finally gotten through all of the crap with the house and the bills and all of the garbage...the phone wasn't ringing, the mail wasn't crammed full of notices about "You owe this. We're coming to get you"...this was the biggest AHA! moment of them all. It really was wrapping up! And once I file the bankruptcy (if I can figure out how to pay for it) and have my 2010 taxes done (and figure out how to pay for that and Uncle Sam for those, too) I'll have all of the garbage accounted for and I really can move on and let it all go. WHEW! I never thought I'd be able to say that! I know never is a long, long time. But I was really beginning to wonder. Maybe that light at the end of the tunnel ISN'T an oncoming train. ;)